Archive for July, 2012|Monthly archive page

God Particle Found: Mail marked urgent, from the Undersecretary to the Undersecretary, Department of General Office Department (GOD), to DG GOD (God Himself)

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2012 at 6:51 am

The DG GOD (God Himself) looking at the mail sent via hologram sighs in frustration. As usual, the sighing sets off a few force eight hurricanes somewhere in the Pacific ocean; HE however, remains blithely unawares, as he is more concerned with the discovery of the God particle.

Miffed at this audacity, he chucks a paperweight (just another planet like the earth) at the hologram. This is what happens when you let bureaucracy take control of Godly matters, he mutters darkly into the great wide open – which ranked only a distant second to the World Wide Web, when it comes to size (another phallic loss??).

The DG GOD had tried.

He had done everything in his power to stop earthlings from discovering the elusive God particle.

The three kilometer long collider had malfunctioned a few years ago. Investigators looking into the fiasco found a can of Budweiner. How appropriate, no? Not a Budweiser, but a can of Budweiner. You don’t even need Sherlock Holmes to interpret that. It was to be a signal. Mine is bigger than yours. I am God. Don’t you mess with me, earthling. Don’t mess with what you don’t understand. Don’t even try understanding rules of creation, you puny, miserable thing.

But something or somebody had intervened. DG GOD  wondered whether DEVIL (Department of E Vigilance) had a role to play.

Things were going from bad to worse. The earthlings had a name for it – the domino effect. But, He was supposed to be domino proof? He was the DG after all. Also, he was worried sick about his emissary on Earth, Dr. Stephen Hawking. Some say, Stephen Hawking played a big role demystifying the universe. He understood the universe. Hell!  He even wrote a book on the origin of the universe.

Bullshit! The DG fumed. It was He –  DG GOD – who told Hawking the truth about black holes and stuff and the universe. Dynamite stuff! Stuff that should have kept mankind busy for a billion years but alas something was lost in the translation.

Screw them all!

DG GOD worried about his place in an increasingly Godless world. The Higgs Boson guy was so Godless. What about the Hawking guy? As a subterfuge, he posed as an atheist, but God knew better  for  He had traded Hawking’s faith in return for knowledge . But, was it just possible,  Hawking played him a double hand?

He had made a bet with the DEVIL the God Particle would never be found but he had lost the bet. The law of probability says the chance of picking a ball from a bag containing n balls is 1/n. The DG looked into his bag, there were zillions upon zillions of balls, err planetary systems, unfortunately he was going to lose them all.

Was there a way out? He could certainly flush the offending planet (Earth) down the black hole but he would need  paperwork for that. He could not sign the demise of planet the way his predecessors could. It was a more democratic set up now. The laws of probability ruled.

The DG GOD calculated in that great mind of his. What if he changed the status of other planets to earth like?? Wouldn’t that tilt the laws of probability in his favor?? With more earth like planets the probability of picking and destroying planet Earth would definitely increase.

Damn! If he was going to let the Earth people go ahead with the god particle thing. He worked out the math. It worked like this: if you had four balls in your bag, two white and two red, the probability of picking a white ball is 1/2. Now that would definitely reduce the odds. The DG GOD was pleased with himself. He took great pride in his ability to get things done.

Soon, the initial sugar rush gave way to pragmatism.  The met department would never allow it.  DG Met wanted to be DG GOD badly. The DG Met had all the powers. The me office had usurped all the special powers. He couldn’t even unleash a bolt of lightning on people he didn’t like. One needed proper authorization for that kind of things nowdays. .

Morosely, he hefted a paperweight from one hand to another (another planetary system gone wrong) and pondered: What next? The impeachment motion was due. The ADG GOD wanted blood.

The DG GOD knew his time was up. He had failed in his line of duty. The super collider had revealed the deepest mystery of creation. The god particle was found. In coming times human beings would do the unthinkable and create a parallel universe. The DG GOD called the PS to PS to the Undersecretary, DG GOD (Himself) to prepare his resignation.

It was going to be a fiery, hellish end.